One day last May I scared myself with a fleeting thought dancing past my brain- what if I didn't wake up every morning and with a big 0 hanging over me that I had to turn into a 20? What if I just stopped? It made me scared how deliriously happy that thought made me. It made me sad how ridiculously happy that thought made me. It was the first time I allowed myself to think it. It gave me an identity crisis.
One day a few months later I did stop. I was at four miles and I wanted to go home. So I did. For the next 11 months or so I ran sometimes as much as I wanted to, sometimes more, occasionally not at all. I tried doing speed workouts, I tried doing ultra runs without really training for them. I tried every team in town.
Many days I thought about what my old life was like. There were things I missed, there were things I did not miss. There were some things I missed an awful lot.
Like having dreams. Before running turned into a waking nightmare.
It wasn't one day but over the course of all those days that I began to hate running less, to like it some, to love it some, I only hate running occasionally, dislike it a bit, like it some, love it deep down. So I am back here. To my blog page I guess, is a good place to start. To my coach, Joel, to the 50k, to New York. I made the decision to train with Joel again, for the 50k, for the National Champs in March.
I don't want to go back to the hating place so we are taking it slow, 100 mile weeks. I think I could get used to that. I never quite got used to 140. Joel says you don't actually have to do 140 unless you want to be a 24 hour runner. I don't, nope, nada. Not today.
Sometimes it takes one day. Sometimes it takes 11 months.
BTW- I'm never going to run the 11 month race.
One day a few months later I did stop. I was at four miles and I wanted to go home. So I did. For the next 11 months or so I ran sometimes as much as I wanted to, sometimes more, occasionally not at all. I tried doing speed workouts, I tried doing ultra runs without really training for them. I tried every team in town.
Many days I thought about what my old life was like. There were things I missed, there were things I did not miss. There were some things I missed an awful lot.
Like having dreams. Before running turned into a waking nightmare.
It wasn't one day but over the course of all those days that I began to hate running less, to like it some, to love it some, I only hate running occasionally, dislike it a bit, like it some, love it deep down. So I am back here. To my blog page I guess, is a good place to start. To my coach, Joel, to the 50k, to New York. I made the decision to train with Joel again, for the 50k, for the National Champs in March.
I don't want to go back to the hating place so we are taking it slow, 100 mile weeks. I think I could get used to that. I never quite got used to 140. Joel says you don't actually have to do 140 unless you want to be a 24 hour runner. I don't, nope, nada. Not today.
Sometimes it takes one day. Sometimes it takes 11 months.
BTW- I'm never going to run the 11 month race.
No comments:
Post a Comment